


Sly Cooper (Shrek)

by Gem1620



Category: Conker's Bad Fur Day, Ratchet & Clank, Sly Cooper (Video Games), Sonic the Hedgehog - All Media Types, Super Mario & Related Fandoms, The Legend of Zelda & Related Fandoms
Genre: Alternate Universe - Fairy Tale, Alternate Universe - Shrek Fusion, F/M, Fairy Tale Elements, Inspired by Shrek (Movies), Shrek References, Video & Computer Games
Language: English
Status: In-Progress
Published: 2019-01-07
Updated: 2019-08-01
Packaged: 2019-10-06 09:40:11
Rating: General Audiences
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 8
Words: 10,031
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/17342972
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/Gem1620/pseuds/Gem1620
Summary: A Shrek AU with a crossover of several videogames.





	1. Chapter 1

This a Shrek AU with characters from different video games. But it's not like it's going to be a reading of the script with a name change. There will be differences and original ideas. Here's the roles.

Shrek - Sly Cooper (Sly Cooper)

Donkey - Ratchet (Ratchet and Clank)

Princess Fiona - Carmelita Fox (Sly Cooper)

Lord Farquad - Dr. Eggman (Sonic)

Dragon - Midna (Legend of Zelda)

Big Bad Wolf - Bowser (Mario)

Three Little Pigs - Bently, Murray, and Dimitri (Sly Cooper)

Three Blind Mice - Sonic, Knuckles, and Tails (Sonic)

Gingy - Conker (Conker's Bad Fur Day)

Pinocchio - Clank (Ratchet and Clank)

Magic Mirror - Himself

Thelonis/Captain of the guard - Quark

Cinderella - Princess Zelda (Legend of Zelda)

Snow White - Princess Hilda (Legend of Zelda)


	2. Chapter 2

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Okay so I've decided to write it and here's the first chapter. Please comment and let me know if it's any good.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Okay so I've decided to write it and here's

In a land far far away there lived two kinds of animals. Regular and anthamorphic however the anthamorphic animals were mistreated by the humans. While the prey were captured and enslaved the predators were hunted and killed. 

Now not all the humans were cruel to these creatures. Some were very kind and compassionate toward them but they too suffered from the hatred and paranoia of others. Many innocent lives both human and animal alike were killed without mercy. 

Two in particular were a young couple who had been attacked by a mob. The husband was killed, the wife managed to escape with her baby daughter but she was badly beaten and close to death. She was found by the king and queen of the land who had been riding in their carriage. Before she died the mother tearfully pleaded with them to find a safe and loving home for her baby. 

Now the king and queen had been trying for many years to have a child of their own but unfortunately they were barren. Desperate for an heir they adopted the orphaned child but she was born in a way that made it impossible for them to pass her off as their own so they went to see a good witch who was said to be able to perform impossible things with magic. 

"Madame Fortuna?" In the dark of night the king politely knocked on the door of the small house which was answered by a little old woman. With the king was the queen who was cradling a bundle of blankets in her arms that held a baby. 

"I received your message." The old witch called Madame Fortuna said. "Come in." 

They followed her into her house where plenty of bottles stood on tables and shelves. 

"Are you sure this is the course you wish to take my lord and lady?" She asked them.

"Yes." The king said. "I must have an heir for my kingdom to survive. My wife is barren, this child is our only chance but no one will believe she is ours as long as she looks this way." 

"Very well." She grabbed a bottle off of a shelf and handed it to the king. "Have her drink this and you'll have your wish." 

They fed the potion to the child, making sure she drank every lost drop. Once she finished drinking the potion and they pulled back the blankets only to find no change.

"What is this?! She hasn't changed at all?" The king cried getting angry.

"Wait! With magic there is always a catch." Madame Fortuna said. "When the sun rises in the morning the child will be beautiful and as you are but when the sun sets in the evening she will change back to her natural form. So it shall be until she finds her one true love." 

The couple thanked Madame Fortuna, paid her for her services, then left with their new daughter. Years passed, the persecution of the creatures only grew. Many were killed and those who lived suffered greatly. 

Among one those who suffered was Sly an anthamorphic raccoon. In the beginning he was perfectly happy living peacefully with his family and despite being predators they never harmed anyone. But the humans still feared them and on his seventh birthday they were attacked by an angry mob. 

They had the family trapped in their house with torches that they were going to use to burn it down. The three of them were desperately trying to find a way out but the mob had bared both the doors and windows. 

"There's no way out. Oh Connor what are we to do?" His mother asked his father as she held him protectively.

"I don't know." He said. "I really don't know." 

Sly held on to his mother and watched as she and his father stared at each other for hours unsure of what to do. Then his father made a look as if he remembered something. He stood up and turned over a shelf, behind it was a hole in the wall that led outside. It was much too small for him or his wife to fit through but their son could easily squeeze through and escape. 

"Sly see if you can get through this hole." His father said.

"What about you?" 

"We'll be right behind you." He lied. "Now go." 

He got on his hands and knees and began to crawl through the hole. It took some squeezing and squirming but he made it out.

"I made it!" He said relieved. "Okay Mom and Dad now you go!" 

But they could only get on their knees and give him sad looks from the other side of the hole.

"What's the matter? Why aren't you following me?" 

"We can't. We're too big." His mother said tearfully. "Sly you need to run! Run as far away from here as possible and don't come back!" 

"But I can't leave you." 

"You have to son! It's your only chance!" His father said. "Once you get far enough try to find some secluded place in the woods, build a home there, and hide. Stay in the dark! Don't go near humans! They'll only try to harm you!" 

"Mom, Dad please." 

"We love you Sly. Don't ever forget that." His mother said. 

"Now go! Run! Hurry! Before they realized that you've escaped and kill you!"

With tears in his eyes the raccoon boy reluctantly ran away, leaving his beloved parents to burn to death in their home. Once he ran far out of sight from the mob he broke down and began to cry. He cried for one day and one night and he wanted to cry forever but he knew that he needed to survive so the sacrifices of his mother and father would not be in vain. 

He began searching for his new home one bright morning. The sun was out, the air was calm, and it seemed like it was going to be a good day. During his journey he stumbled on to a kingdom that was having a feastival. Music was playing, people were dancing, and children were laughing and playing games. Wanting to experience some joy he went to join in the fun. 

"Can I play?" He asked running over toward the group of children playing with ball and balloons. 

At once all the music, dancing, and merry making stopped and everyone stared at him with looks of fear and disgust. 

"It's one of those anthamorphic predators!" A man shouted.

"Quick grab the children before he eats them!" A woman screamed.

"Run for your lives!" Another man shouted.

"Keep it away from me!" 

"Someone call the royal guards!" 

"Monster! Monster! Monster!" 

Everyone just kept screaming and shouting that word over and over again, running around like mad until they were gone and it was just him all alone. 

"Was it something I said?" He wondered. 

"Hey where did everybody go?" 

He saw a little girl in a fancy dress and wearing jewelry enter the square. She was holding a balloon in one hand and looking around area.

"Hey do you know where everyone went?" She asked Sly.

"No, they all just ran away." 

"Wonder why? Oh well they'll turn up sooner or later. So are you having fun at the feastival?" 

"Not really, I think it ended when I showed up." 

"Oh...I'm sorry. Here you can have my balloon since you missed out on it." 

"Thanks." 

But as he reached to take the balloon from her he was suddenly knocked down by a man who appeared to be a royal guard. 

"Your highness get back!" He shouted. 

"Why did you hit him?" The girl asked. She went to help him up only to have the guard hold her back. 

"No don't go near him! He's a monster! Get out of here you little beast!" The guard demanded. "Get out! Before I forget that there are women watching and make into a pelt!" 

Tears filled Sly's eyes again and he quickly picked himself up and ran away. The guard and young girl were joined by a woman. 

"Now look what you did! You hurt his feelings!" The girl said. "Mom why did the guard hurt that poor boy. He just wanted to play." 

"He's an anthamorphic animal dear." Her mother told her. "And a predator one meaning the world will always despise him and anyone else like him. You must remember that darling." 

"But why?" 

"It's just the way things are." 

Sly heard the woman's words with his strong, animal like hearing and at first he refused to believe that it was true. But as he wondered through the world everyone whoever saw him either fled in terror or tried to kill him.

"Hideous monster! Horrible beast! Terrifying bringer of death and despair!" They would say and their cruel words along with their persecution of him crushed his heart. 

Eventually he accepted the fact that world would always fear and despise him and decided to live alone and away from everyone else. He found some secluded land in the woods and built a new home there where he lived in isolation. Believing that life would be better if he just stayed alone forever.


	3. Chapter 3

Fourteen years later...

Once upon a time there lived a lovely princess but she had an enchantment upon her of a fearful sort which could only be broken by love's first kiss. She was locked away in a castle guarded by a terrible fire breathing dragon.  Many brave knights tried to free her from this dreadful prison but none provailed. She waited in the dragon's keep in the highest room of the tallest tower for her true love and true love's first kiss.

"Yeah like that's ever gonna happen." Sly said closing the book and tossing it. He was now an adult and living by himself in a part of the woods were little to no one ever went.

He survived usually by stealing what he needed from local villages which of course angered the villagers but most of the time they were too afraid of him to do anything. Nevertheless there was the occasional time they would briefly grow a spine and start a mob that would try to kill him. Like tonight for example.

"I don't know why I always read these fairy tale books. They're all just a load of crap. True love...Ha! That doesn't exist anymore. Everyone knows that it's only happily ever after if it's a handsome prince and beautiful princess getting married even if they don't love each other."

His incredible animal hearing then caught hold of the sound of angry villagers shouting. He looked out his window and saw them coming mile away with torches and pitchforks.  
He rolled his eyes, slipped out the back door of his house, and prepared for the usual routine. The villagers began closing in on his house.

"You think it's in there?" One hunter asked. "Looks like it is?"

"Alright let's get it!" Said another.

"Hold on! Do you know what that thing could do to you?"

"Yeah. It'll take you out with one swipe."

"Actually that would be a wolf." They heard someone laughing. Sly was standing right behind them looking smug. "What we raccoons do is much worse. We don't really go for the whole quick and painless death. We find a slow and painful killing much more amusing, for example like dragging our claws ever so slowly down your body to peel off your skin. Or shaving the slivers or squeezing the jellies from your eyes. Actually it's quite good on toast."

One hunter bravely raised his touch to ward. "Back! Get back beast! I warn ya!"

Sly looked at the torch unafraid and  bored like then snuffed it out. Without warning he let out a fearsome roar that left the hunters screaming and shaking in their boots. They dropped their weapons and became frozen with fear.

"This is the part where you run away." He whispered. Before they took off with their tails between their legs. "And stay out!"

Sly had grown accustomed to living alone and found himself being happy with it. True he was fated to be lonely and he was destined to be hated but he didn't care. He believed that he lived in a superficial world where people only liked what was beautiful and he didn't want anyone that shallow to like him anyway.

So everytime an angry mob came by he would just frightened them away and pick pocket them while they were stunned with fear.

"Okay now let's see what they have." He searched a bag that he had swiped from one of the villagers. He found some matches, a bottle of pitchfork polisher, and a wanted poster.

"Wanted Fairy Tale Creatures." He read. "Well none of this looks like it's of any value."

He tossed the poster and the bag aside and went back to his house. In another part of the woods, all fairy tale creatures were being rounded up and evicted by the order of a vain and shallow lord who wanted to get rid of what he saw as imperfections.

The head of this operation was the lord's captain of the guards. A rather dim fellow called Quark. He and his men were collecting creatures brought in by humans and them for turning them in. One creature being taken in was an anthamorphic, dwarf lion named Ratchet.

Though he was a lion he was a dwarf lion. They were lions who were really small and quite harmless so they were often used for labor. He had originally been captured to work as a slave for a very mean old woman who abused him but he had annoyed her to the point of where she decided to sell him out.

"Please don't turn me in! I'll never be stubborn again!" Ratchet begged her. "I can change! Please give me another chance."

"Oh shut up!" She snapped.

"Next!" Quark called. An old man placed a robotic boy called Clank on the stand. "What do we got?"

"A living robot." The old man said.

"I'm not a robot! I'm a real boy." Clank said but his lie meter went off.

"Five shillings." Quark said. "Take it away!"

"Father please! Don't let them do this! Help me!" Clank pleaded as he was locked up.

As Ratchet and the old woman got closer he quickly got on all fours and tried to look like a regular lion.

"Next! What do we got?"

"Well I've got an anthamorphic lion." The old woman said.

"Right...well that's good for ten shillings if you can prove it." Quark said suspiciously.

"Well go on talk." But Ratchet kept silent.

"Well?"

"Oh he's just nervous. Talk you bone headed dolt!" The old woman said to Ratchet.

"That's it! I've heard enough. Guards."

"No! He talks he does! Go on! Stand up! Walk!"

"Ma'am are you trying to make a fool out of me?"

"No! Of course not!"

"Then what is the meaning of this? He looks like a regular dwarf lion."

"But he has clothes on."

"You could have easily dressed him in them."

"No! He is anthamorphic! He can talk! And walk on two feet!"

"Get her out of my sight." The guards grabbed her and pulled her away.

"No! No! I swear! He can talk!"

Ratchet smiled smugly and began to walk away on all fours and once he thought he couldn't be stand he stood up

"Look he's standing on two feet!" One guard who saw him pointed out.

"Size him!" Quark ordered.

He ran off into the woods with Quark and the guards chasing him. In his haste to get away he unintentionally bumped right into Sly.

"Ow! Hey watch where you're going!" He said.

"Don't let them get me!" Ratchet said grabbing Sly's leg. "Please! I wanna live!"

"Get off me!" Sly said kicking him off.

"You gotta help me please!"

"You there!" The Quark called.

"Who me?" Sly asked.

"Step aside! We're here for him."

"Why?"

"To arrest him."

"And just what did he do?"

"He talks, he's a fairy tale creature. A freak of nature just like you."

"Hey you're no supermodel yourself pal."

"Be careful Quark. He's not like that dwarf lion, he's a real dangerous predator." One guard said shaking.

"I hear those raccoon ones can kill ya with just one glance." Another said.

"I'm not scared." Quark said. "I demand that you move aside or I will have to use force."

"Uh-huh. Let me show you something." Sly picked up a rock and crushed it into dust with just his fist.

"That...That doesn't intimidate me." Quark said starting to get scared. "By...By the order of Lord Eggman I am authorized to place you both under arrest."

"Oh really? You and what army?"

Quark turned around to see that his men had run off. The captain then abandoned his pride and ran away.

"Phew! That was close." Ratchet sighed in relief. "Thanks for saving me."

"Don't mention it. Seriously."

"Man! It's good to be free."

"Good. Now why don't you go celebrate your freedom with your own friends?"

"But I don't have any friends."

"So I don't have any friends and I'm doing fine. Now goodbye."

He walked away but Ratchet followed him.

"That's sad. Everyone needs a friend."

"Why are you following me?"

"Because you said you didn't have any friends and everyone needs at least one friend right?"

"No you just want a bodyguard so you don't become someone's side dish."

"You don't seem very social Mr. Uh-"

"Sly."

"Sly huh? Odd name, I'm Ratchet."

"Nice to meet you now go away."

"I...I can't."

"Why?"

"I'm...I'm wanted. People will be trying to turn me in left and right for money."

"How much?"

"I don't know maybe- Wait you're not gonna turn me in are you?"

"It is a tempting offer but no. I prefer to steal from humans."

"Do they ever bother you?"

"They do when they come in mobs but then they get scared and run away."

"So what you're saying is you're safe from hunans."

"I guess."

"Can I stay with you?"

"What?"

"Can I stay with you please?"

"Of course."

"Really?"

"No."

"Please! I don't wanna go back there! You don't know what it's like to be considered a freak!...Well maybe you do but you have to help me! Please! I'm on my knees here!"

"Okay, okay, but just for one night."

"Oh thank you."

"But it's just for one night and you sleep outside."

"Why?"

"Those are my terms. Deal with it."

"Alright. I guess it's better than nothing."

"So are there any others like you where you live?"

"No I live alone."

"Don't you get lonely?"

"No I don't. I like to live alone."

"But don't you ever want friends? Or a family? Or a lady friend?"

"No, No, No, and pop quiz how many female anthamorphic predators do you hear about?"

"Not many."

"That's because they're all dead and you may join them if you don't stop with the questions."

"Sorry."


	4. Chapter 4

That night Sly woke up to the sound of the door to his house being opened.

"Ugh...I thought I told you to stay outside." Sly groaned at Ratchet.

"I am outside!" Ratchet called.

Sly looked out the window to see that Ratchet was indeed still outside. His ear then caught hold of the sound of something creaking around. It was coming from the other room. He followed the noise and searched for the source of it but found nothing. Perhaps he had imagined it? He tried to sit down to clear his head only to have his behind be pricked by something sharp.

"Ow!" He shouted.

"Hey watch where you sit!" A voice shouted.

He looked down to see that the chair was being occupied by a blue hedgehog, a red enchida, and a little yellow fox. 

"Well Sonic it's a far walk from the farm but what choice do we have?" The red enchida said.

"Well it's not like home but it will do." The blue hedgehog. 

"Enough!" Sly grabbed the three of them. "What are you doing in my house?!" 

Before they could answer he was hit by a glass coffin that contained a comatose woman which was being placed on the kitchen table by a group of dwarves.

"Oh no! Dead broad off the table!" Sly demanded.

"Where were we supposed to put her? The bed's taken." One of the dwarves said.

"Huh?" 

Sly went back into his bedroom and found some kind of turtle, lizard, monster thing in his bed. 

"What?" He said. 

"What the- Get out of my house! Now!" 

Sly opened the door and to his shock his entire property was overrun with every fairy tale creature in the book. 

"Who are you people?! And what are you doing on property?!" He shouted. "Alright all of you get out of here! Move it! All of you! Ratchet where did they come from?"

"Don't look at me I didn't invite them." Ratchet said.

"Well no one invited us. We were forced to come here." Clank said. 

"By who?" 

"Lord Eggman." An anthamorphic hippo called Murray said. "He signed an eviction notice." 

"A what?" 

"An eviction notice." An anthamorphic turtle named Bently said in nazly voice. "It means that we were banished from our homes and now we have to stay here." 

"And if we ever go back then we will be executed." Clank added.

"And I'm much too young to die." Murray said. "There are things that I still want to do, places I still want to see." 

"Alright fine. Who knows where this...Whatcha say his name was again?" 

"Lord Eggman." Bentley answered.

"That's a dumb name. So does anyone know where he is?" 

All was silent until Ratchet spoke up.

"I know where he is." 

"Does anyone else know where he is? Anyone?" 

Sly looked around hoping that anyone other than Ratchet knew where to find this Lord Eggman but no one said a word.

"Seriously? Anybody?" Still nothing. Sly huffed in frustration, looked at Ratchet then back the crowd of fairy tale creatures. "Okay attention all fairy tale things...Do not get comfortable because your stay here is officially over! I'm going to talk to this lord guy who has the weird name and get you all off of my land and back to where you came from!" 

The creatures cheered happily and applauded him giving him praises and thank you's. Sly didn't really think much of the praise. He just grabbed Ratchet and started walking.

"Wow you're really doing a nice thing for them." Ratchet said.

"Don't get the wrong idea I'm only doing this to get back my land." 

"What makes you so sure this guy will actually give it back to you."

"Oh you'll fine that I can be quite persusive." He said cracking his knuckles.

"So why do you think this Lord Eggman guy wants to get rid of all fairy tale creatures?"

"Why do you think? Because they're all different and when you live in a superficial world like this different is bad." 

"I was always told that being different made you special." 

"Whoever told you that lied to spare your feelings." 

"You're not much of cheerful person are you?" 

"I was cheerful until my home was suddenly invaded." 

"I guess I can understand that." 

"Just so we're clear you do know where he is right?" 

"Uh-huh he lives in a castle just a few miles from here." 

"You better be right." 

Now Lord Eggman was a greedy, selfish, mean, shallow, not to mention fat and ugly old man who ruled a kingdom just up North from the part of the woods where Sly lived. Yet despite the fact that he ruled the kingdom he was not of royalty or nobility so how was it that he was able to rule a kingdom you ask? Well he served as a regent for the former ruler who declared him to take his place after he died but he never wrote it in his will so technically he wasn't a king but he saw himself as one and he wanted the kingdom he ruled to be perfect which is why he exhiled all the fairy tale creatures and those he hadn't of banished he tortured for interrogation. 

For example one of his poor victims was an anithamorphic squirrel called Conker. He had heard that he might know where the fairy tale creatures he hadn't captured were hiding so he held him hostage for interrogation. The little squirrel was strapped down to a table with a blinding lamp while Lord Eggman stood there taughting him.

"You're a monster!" Conker shouted at him.

"I'm not the monster here you are!" Lord Eggman snapped. "You and the rest of that fairy tale trash poisoning my perfect world! Now tell me where are the others?" 

"Eat me!" He spat in his eye.

"Watch yourself you little rat! If you make me real angry you'll be sorry! Now tell me or I'll-" He pulled out a knife and prepared to cut off his tail.

"No! Not the tail! Not my tail!" Conker screeched.

"Alright then! Who's hiding them?" 

"Okay I'll tell you. Do you know the muffin man?" 

"The muffin man?" 

"The muffin man." 

"Yes I know the muffin man. Who lives on dreary lane?" 

"Well she's married to the muffin man." 

"The muffin man?!" 

"The muffin man!" 

"She's married to the muffin man." 

"My lord sorry to interrupt." Quark said entering the chamber. "But we have found the one thing that you have been seeking for years."

"Magic shampoo that will restore my hair?" 

"Okay the second thing that you have been seeking for years." 

Quark and the guards brought a draped item into the room and quickly removed the drape. Behind it was a glorious mirror that showed ominous face.

"Magic mirror-" Lord Eggman started.

"Don't tell him anything!" Conker shouted only for Quark to throw him in the garbage can.

"Now then mirror mirror on the wall is this not the most perfect kingdom of them all?" He asked.

"Well technically you're not a king." The mirror spoke.

"Quark." Quark quickly smashed a hand mirror to intimadate the mirror. "You were saying?" 

"What I mean is you're not a king yet." The mirror replied nervously. "But you can become one all you have to do is marry a princess." 

"Go on." Lord Eggman said interested.

"So just sit back and relax my lord because it's time for you to meet today's eligible bachelorettes and here they are. Bachelorette number 1 is from a kingdom far far away, she likes horseback riding and fencing anytime. Her hobbies include cooking and cleaning for two evil stepsisters please welcome Princess Zelda." 

An image of a lovely young blonde haired woman wearing a ballgown and glass slippers. 

"Bachelorette number 2 is purple haired girl from a land of fancy although she lives with seven other men she's not easy. Just kiss her dead frozen lips and find out what live wire she is. Give it up for Princess Hilda." 

Another image appeared, this one showed a fair maiden lying unconscious in a glass coffin. 

"Last but certainly not least bachelorette number 3 is a princess locked away in a dragon guarded castle surrounded by hot boiling lava but don't let that cool you down. She's a loaded pistol who loves telling stories and salsa dancing, Princess Carmelita." 

The third image was of a beautiful young lady gazing out of the window of a tower while looking sad. 

"So who will it be? Bachelorette number one, bachelorette number 2, or bachelorette number 3?" 

"Pick 3! No pick 1! Pick 2!" His guards urged.

"Number 3." Lord Eggman said.

"Lord Eggman you've chosen Princess Carmelita." The mirror said.

"Ah Princess Carmelita she's perfect. All I have to do is find someone to retrieve her from that dragon." 

"But I probably should mention the little thing that happens at night." The mirror warned.

"And once we are married I shall be king." 

"Yes but after sunset." 

"Silence! I shall make this Princess Carmelita my queen and my kingdom shall have the perfect king. Quark gather your men, we're going to have a tournament."


	5. Chapter 5

After walking a long way Sly and Ratchet finally arrived at Eggman's kingdom.

"So this is the place?" Sly asked Ratchet.

"Yep."

"Okay now how do we get in?"

"Try over there."

Sly and Ratchet walked over to the entrance where a man was holding up fliers.

"Hey you!" Sly called.

"Monster!" He shouted before running away.

"Wait a minute I'm not going to eat you I just-"

But the man didn't listen and in his haste to get away he ran smack into a wall of concrete that knocked him out.

"Oooooo." Sly and Ratchet seethed.

"Does that happen often?" Ratchet asked.

"What do you think?"

They walked through the entrance but found that it was deserted.

"Where is everybody?" Sly asked.

His question was answered when he heard the sound of crowds cheering coming from an arena. Following the cheers they entered the arena where in the middle there stood a group of knights listening to Lord Eggman make an announcement.

"And whoever rises victorious in the tournament." He said. "Will have the honor- No! The privilege of rescuing the fair Princess Carmelita from the dragon's keep. If for any reason the champion is not successful then the runner up shall take his place and so on, so on. Some of you may die but it's a sacrifice I'm willing to make."

"Is this guy for real?" Sly thought.

"Let the tournament begin!"

Quark was about to give the order to let the knights fight each other but then all heads turned toward Sly as he and Ratchet walked into the middle of the arena.

"What is that?!" Eggman scoffed. "Ugh! It's hideous!"

"Hey that's not very nice." Sly responded. "Are you Lord Eggman?"

"That depends does the name strike fear into your soul?"

"No but that tub of lard that's supposed to be your stomach does."

The audience laughed at his remark much to Eggman's annoyance.

"Who let this vermin in here?! Knights kill him!"

"What?! Now there's no need for violence!"

The knights began to close in on Sly with their swords and spears.

"Can't we just talk about this rationally?" Sly suggested.

"I don't think they're in the mood for talking it out." Ratchet said cowering behind Sly.

"Alright then. For the record normally I oppose the use of violence unless it's required of me."

The knights underestimated Sly's strength and fighting skills because in an instant he immediately began to punch, kick, and successfully knock out any knight that came near him. It soon went from a tournament to an all out wrestling match which drove the crowd nuts with excitement.

"The chair! Give him the chair!" One woman in the audience shouted.

Ratchet responded to the woman's cheer by hitting several knights over the head with a chair that was sitting close by. After another ten minutes of fighting Sly and Ratchet were victorious. The crowd cheered and appluaded them like mad.

"Thank you, thank you." Sly said bowing graciously.

At first Eggman was furious that his knights had failed to kill Sly but then he started thinking.

"This creature is strong, fast, and agile. He's the perfect fool to send to retrieve the princess." He thought.

"My good people I give you our champion!" Lord Eggman announced.

"Say what?" Sly asked. "Hey eggboy what are you talking about?"

"You have been chosen to go on a noble quest!"

"Quest? Oh no. No thank you. Listen buddy I'm here for one reason and one reason only and that's to get my land back."

"Your land?"

"Yes my land! Where you dumped all those creatures!"

"Mmmm... Alright raccoon I'll make you a deal. Go on this quest for me and I'll give you back your land."

"What kind of quest?"

"I need you to go to the dragon's keep and rescue the Princess Carmelita."

"Oh is she your daughter or something?"

"No I wish to marry her so that I can become king."

"If you ask me you don't exactly fit the description of a girl's dream prince."

"Oh shut up! Like you know anything about what looks good! Now then do we have a deal?"

"Yeah we have a deal. Just give me some directions to this dragon's keep and I'll be on my way."

After Lord Eggman gave Sly directions he and Ratchet left on their journey.

"So what do you think this princess will be like?" Ratchet asked.

"I don't know but I doubt when we rescue her she'll willingly come with us. In fact I'm pretty sure once she sees me she'll run away screaming. That's the normal reaction I get when human women see me."

"I don't get why people are so afraid of you? You don't even look scary to me."

"Newsflash you don't have to look scary for people to fear you. Sometimes you just have to be different."

"Oh geez Sly I'm sorry."

"Don't pity me okay? It's not like I want people to like me. Now keep quiet because this is going to be a silent trip."

It took them three days but eventually they arrived at the dragon's keep. It was a large, black castle surrounded by a lake of lava. The only way to get to the castle was to walk across the bridge that hung over the lava.

"You sure that we just can't go around the lava?" Ratchet asked Sly.

"If that was the case then there wouldn't be a bridge. Now get moving."

"But...I'm a little uncomfortable walking on a rickety bridge over a boiling lake of lava."

"Just don't look down and you'll be fine."

"You've done something like this before?"

"No now start walking or I'm going to throw you across."

When they got on the first step of the bridge Ratchet froze. He turned ghostly white and his teeth started to chatter. Sly rolled his eyes and picked up Ratchet.

"Whoa! What are you doing?"

"I told you that if you wouldn't walk then I was going to have to throw you."

"Oh no! No! Sly please don't!"

"Close your eyes and say your prayers Ratchet."

"No! No! No! No! No! Put me down! Put me down! Put me down! Put me down!"

"Here we go!"

But Sly just threw Ratchet across the bridge. Ratchet closed his eyes and shouted in fear believing that he was going to die but he landed safely on the other side. Sly then walked across the bridge to meet him.

"There now was that so bad?" Sly asked him.

"Next time I'll just walk." They went to the entrance of the castle. "So where is this fire breathing pain in the neck anyway?"

"Inside waiting for us to rescue her." Sly joked.

"I was talking about the dragon."

"I know."


	6. Chapter 6

Inside the castle was a cold, dark, and dreary area surrounded by skeletons and corpses which were either rotting away or decaying into ash. Places like these didn't bother Sly that much but Ratchet was a little on edge.

"Quick question Sly why did the princess have to be locked up in a dragon guarded castle? Why couldn't she be held in a bunny filled medow."

"I don't know let's just find her and get out of here. Oh hey look over there, this will come in handy." Sly found some discarded armor lying on the castle floor. He picked it up and put on gauntlets, breast plate, and a helmet. "Now Ratchet see if you can find some stairs."

"Stairs? I thought that we were looking for the princess."

"The princess will be upstairs in the highest room of the tallest tower."

"What makes you think that she'll be there?"

"I read it in a book once."

"Did that book ever say how she got into this tower or why she was brought here in the first place?"

"No. It mentioned something about a curse but I think they just wrote that down so people would feel sorry for her. Now start looking for those stairs."

"Where am I supposed to look?"

"I don't know, just look."

"But where? Left? Right? Up? Down?

"Oh Nevermind just wait here."

"Wait here? All by myself?"

"Unless you'd rather come help slay the dragon and rescue the princess."

"Ummmm...No I'm good. I'll wait here."

"Great. Now stay here and don't get into any trouble."

"Oh what kind of trouble can I get into? I'm just sitting and waiting."

Sly left to look for stairs that would lead to the tower where the princess was. Ratchet sat patiently in the darkness of the castle but was startled by two large eyes glowing in the dark and as the eyes drew closer he was horrified to see that those eyes belonged to a fire breathing dragon.

"Well hello gorgeous." The dragon said in a feminine voice. "Is it dinner time already? I better get my recipe box."

"Recipe box?!" Ratchet gasped in fear.

"What's your name pumpkin?"

"Oh my me!"

"Oh what a coincidence that was his name too." The dragon said pointing to a skeleton. "And his, and his, and his."

Just a few steps from them was Sly who had finally found the tower.

"We at least we know where the princess is." He said. "But where's the-"

"DRAGON!" Ratchet shouted running toward Sly with the dragon chasing him. Sly grabbed it's tail and tried to stop the dragon but it only sent him flying into the tower window where Princess Carmelita was sleeping. The dragon continued to chase Ratchet around and around the castle until it had him cornered.

"No! Oh no! No!" Ratchet whimpered.

The dragon roared in his face.

"Oh what large teeth you have...I...I mean white sparkling teeth. You probably hear this from all your food but you must bleach or something because you've got one dazzling smile. And you know what else? You're a...you're a."

The dragon smiled at him and began to shrunk down into a female imp like creature.

"You're a girl? Oh! Sure, I mean of course you're a girl because you're just reeking of feminine and beauty- Hey what's the matter with you? You got something in your eye?"

She nuzzled him, he pulled away. "Whoa! Now! Um look lady I'm not into you that way. Don't get me wrong I'm sure some male dragon or imp will love you very much and I'm sure he will make a much better match for you than me. Heh..Heh...Sly!

She turned back into a dragon and took him away.

"Ahh! No! Sly! Help!" Ratchet shouted as he was carried away.

Meanwhile in the tower Sly woke up from his fall and tried to figure out where he was and what he was doing before. Princess Carmelita who had been sleeping was awakened by Sly's sudden appearance and when she saw that a knight had finally come to rescue her she was overjoyed. She quickly made herself look pretty then pretended to be asleep.

Once Sly got hold of his bearings he looked over at Carmelita. She was a very beautiful human woman with blue hair in a braid, a curvaceous body, and very fair skin. Sly wasn't surprised that she was a beauty, after all weren't all princesses beautiful? Remembering his objective, he grabbed Carmelita from her shoulders and started to shake her.

"Wake up!"

"What?!" She said annoyed by how he chose to wake her up.

"Are you Princess Carmelita?"

"I am. Awaiting a brave knight to rescue me."

"Oh that's nice. Now let's go!"

"But wait! Sir knight! This be our first meeting. Should it not be romantic?"

"Yeah, sorry lady. So where's the door?"

"There is no door."

"What do you mean there's no door?"

"Well there is one door but it's locked and barred from the outside."

"Seriously?!"

"Well come on you don't honestly think that I would stay here if I could open the door?"

"Good point. Okay stand back."

Using his strength he broke down the door, grabbed her by the hand and took off running while pulling her along.

"Slow down!" She told him.

"Sorry I'm in a hurry!"

"Well can't we take a moment to get to know each other."

"Not now."

"Then can I at least know the name of my rescuer?"

"Um...Sly."

"Sir Sly. A rather unusual name but alright." She pulled a hankerchief from her sleeve. "I pray you take this favor as a token of my appreciation."

"Thanks." He took it from her and wiped the sweat off his face.

"Oh gross." Carmelita mumbled. Suddenly the dragon's roar echoed down the hall. "You didn't slay the dragon?"

"It's on my to do list!"

"But you're supposed to try to kill the dragon first. That's what all the other knights did."

"Yeah right before they burst into flames!"

"But that's not point! Hey wait a minute where are you going? The exit is over there?"

"The dragon took something of mine and I need to get it back."

"What is it?"

"I'll explain later."

"Just what kind of knight are you?"

"One of kind." He followed the roses and tracks to the dragon's lair but saw that it was in it's imp form, talking to Ratchet who was too scared to run away.

"Look I'm not ready for a physical relationship." Ratchet told her. "A d besides I don't even know your name."

"It's Midna and you're very cute." She said nuzzling him again.

"Hey that is unwanted physical contact! Hey! What are you doing?!"

"Giving you a kiss silly!"

"Whoa! Hang on I'm not that kind of animal!"

Before she could kiss him Sly quickly grabbed Ratchet and ran away. Angered, Midna changed back into a dragon and chased them. Sly ran as fast as he could while holding on to Ratchet and he pulled Carmelita along with them when he got back to her.

"Hi Princess!" Ratchet said.

"It talks!" She gasped.

"Yeah! It's getting him to shut up that's the trick!" Sly said. They jumped and slid down a pole but on the way down Sly got hit in the soft spot. "Owwww!"

"Ooooo." Carmelita and Ratchet seethed.

Around and around they ran with Midna chasing them, unknowingly getting herself caught in a nearby chain. Sly noticed this and got an idea. "Okay you two! Head for the exit! I'll take care of her!"

He grabbed a sword from one of the dead knights and stuck it between the chains, then he joined the other two as they ran across the bridge. Midna was right behind them but before she could get too close the chain got hooked on the sword and now she was trapped and the three of them escaped.


	7. Chapter 7

You did it!" Carmelita cheered once they reached the bottom of the mountain. "You rescued me! You're amazing! You're wonderful! You're...A little unorthodox I admit but you rescued me from a fire breathing dragon so who am I to complain."

"You better not be complaining!" Sly groaned as he brushed dirt and soot off of himself. 

The battle is won. may remove your helmet good sir." Carmelita told him. 

"Um no."

"Why not?"

"Because I...I have helmet hair."

"I wish to see the face of my rescuer." 

"Oh no you wouldn't. Trust me you would only be disappointed." 

"Then how will you kiss me?"

"Kiss you?!" His face turned bright red underneath his helmet. "That...That wasn't in the job description."

"Hey maybe it's a perk." Ratchet said nudging him.

"No it's destiny." Carmelita said. "A princess is locked in a tower until a brave knight comes to rescue her and they share true love's first kiss."

"With Sly?" Ratchet said. "Wait a minute, you think the kid is your true love?"

"Well yes."

Sly and Ratchet looked at each other then burst into a fit of laughter.

"What's so funny?" Carmelita asked confused.

"Let's just say I'm not your type." Sly chuckled.

"Of course you are you're my rescuer. Now remove your helmet."

"I really don't think that's a good idea."

"Just take off the helmet."

"I'm not going to."

"Take it off!"

"No!"

"NOW!"

"OKAY! easy, as you command your highness. But I promise you that you're not gonna like the face that's under here." 

Sly closed his eyes and removed his helmet.  Carmelita's face fell when she saw that her knight was not her handsome prince. In fact he wasn't even human. He was a young anthamorphic raccoon. 

"Oh...Um..you're a raccoon." She said disappointed.

"You were expecting Prince Charming?" Sly said not at all surprised by her response. "I told you that you would only be disappointed." 

"Well I wasn't expecting my savior to be the most handsome man in the world but I was hoping that you would at least be human. Don't take this personally but I could never marry you, I mean you're a raccoon man and I'm a human princess. That would never work out." 

"Princess I was sent to rescue by Lord Eggman, he's the one who wants to marry you not me."

"Lord Eggman? Strange name but if that's true then why didn't he come rescue me?"

"How should I know? Maybe he's a lazy coward. Either way you'll have to ask him when we get there." 

"But I have to be rescued by my true love not by some raccoon and his pet."

"Pet? I'm not his pet!" Ratchet said. 

"Look Princess you're not making my job any easier." Sly said. 

"Well I'm sorry but you're job is not my problem." Carmelita said sitting on a stone. "You can tell Lord Eggman that if he wants to rescue me properly I'll be waiting for him right here."

"Hey! I'm no one's messenger boy alright, I'm a delivery boy." Sly said irritated.

"You wouldn't dare." But Sly just grabbed Carmelita and threw her over his shoulder. "Argh! Put me down!"

"You coming Ratchet?" Sly asked as he carried her away.

"Yeah I'm coming." 

"Put me down! Or you will suffer the consequences!" Carmelita demanded as she began beating on his back with her tiny fists. "This not dignified! Put me down! Argh!"

She kicked and screamed but soon enough she gave up and just hung over his shoulder.

"Quick question your highness." Sly said. "Say there's a woman who digs you but you don't like her that way, how do you let her down real easy so her feelings aren't hurt and you don't get burned to a crisp."

"Just tell her she's not your ture love. It's not easy to do of course but you don't want to lead her own because- ugh! Hey!" 

Sly snickered as he bumped her.

"Watch yourself." She warned.

"Sorry couldn't resist."

"Pervert." She muttered. "So what's my groom to be like?" 

"Let me put it to you this way princess." Sly said. "He doesn't exactly fit the description of Prince Charming." 

"What do you mean?" 

"You'll find out when you see him tomorrow." He said putting her down. 

"Tomorrow? It'll take that long?" She looked at the sun nervously. "It's getting late we should stop and make make camp."

"But that'll take longer."

"I'm tired! I need to rest."

"Too bad."

"I need to find somewhere to camp NOW!"

Not wanting to have an angry woman on their hands, Sly and Ratchet decided to give into her demands. They found a cave somewhere for her to sleep in but she insisted on adding a door made from some bark.

"Goodnight gentleman." She went inside the cave and shut the bark door behind her. "And if you know what's good for you, you won't set one foot in here because if you do I swear I'll hit you with a stone! Now again I say goodnight." 

"Hmmph. Well isn't she the most ungrateful person in the whole world." Sly said. "Risk my tail to save her from a dragon and what do I get for it? Hey I'm not asking for a thank you or anything I just wish she would stop yelling in my face." 

"So how does it feel to get a taste of your own medicine?" Ratchet said. 

"What's that supposed to mean?" 

"Nothing except that your behavior and hers is a lot alike." 

"What are you talking about? I'm nothing like that spoiled, ungrateful woman!" 

"Oh no? You're both grouchy, demanding, short tempered, and neither one of you have good social skills." 

"Oh shut up and help me build a fire." 

They gathered up some wood and started a fire to keep them warm and when it got late they watched the stars.

"Hey Sly what are we gonna do when we get our land back?" Ratchet asked him later that evening. 

"Our land?"

"Yeah." 

"Ratchet as soon as I get my land back I'm kicking you out and building a ten foot wall around my land."

"A wall? But won't that keep everyone out?" 

"That's kind of the idea." 

"But why would you wanna do that?" 

"None of your business."

"Are you hiding something?"

"Nevermind Ratchet." 

"Is something personal? You can tell me." 

"Drop it and leave it alone Ratchet." 

"Why don't you wanna talk about it?"

"Why do you want to talk about it?"

"Just who are trying to keep out? Who?"

"EVERYONE! OKAY?!" He snapped.

"Breakthrough! Now we're getting somewhere."

"Oh for the love of Pete!"

Their conversation woke up Carmelita and she creaked the door open to where only her eyes could be seen and she listened to them.

"What's your problem Sly? Whatcha you got against the whole world?"

"Hey! I'm not the one with the problem, okay? It's the world the seems to have a problem with me! You saw how that princess reacted! It's always the same thing.  People take one look at me and they tell help! Run! A big, stupid, ugly monster! Kill it! Grab your torch and pitchforks! Hide your children and your wives! Don't let it leave alive! Or ugh! What an ugly beast! Get rid of it! It doesn't belong in society! It's just a dumb creature! It's not like it has any feelings!" 

When he finished his rant he calmed down and sighed sadly. 

"They judge me before they even know me. That's why I'm better off alone."

Carmelita listened to his words carefully and she felt ashamed of herself for how she had treated Sly.  The whole world was mean to him just because of how he looked and everyone either treated him with disgust or fear. She of all people knew what it was like to want to be loved and accepted in a world that despises anything different. She immediately decided that tomorrow she would make amends for how she acted. 

"You know when we met." Ratchet said sitting next to Sly. "I didn't think that you were just a big, stupid, ugly monster." 

"Yeah I know."


	8. Chapter 8

Back at Eggman's castle, the Lord was eagerly awaiting the arrival of his bride to be. 

"My lord we've just recieved word that Sly gas successfully rescued Princess Carmelita." Quark told his master. "She's on her way."

"Wonderful! I knew that filthy creature had to be good for something." He laughed. "My perfect princess will soon be here and once we are wed I'll finally be king." 

"Unless she falls in love with someone else." The mirror interjected. 

"What was that?" Eggman asked. 

"Well my lord there is the possibility of her falling in love with somebody else. Did you ever consider that she might meet somebody on the way here and fall for them? And who knows she might even fall for Sly." 

"My princess fall for that beast? Is that some kind of joke? She's a human, he's an animal, what kind of relationship could they possibly have? They couldn't be more different." 

"But not as different as you think. My lord there is something about the princess that I've been trying to tell you. Something that you should probably know." 

"Silence! I must now prepare for my wedding and later my coronation." 

"As you wish but remember I warned you." 

"Yeah, yeah, whatever." He said walking off.

...

The next morning Carmelita awoke just as the sun was beginning to rise up over the hills. Sly and Ratchet were still fast asleep so she decided to go out to get some fresh air. She had always been a morning person. There was just something about the sun and the morning air that made her feel so happy.  And she was filled with so much joy this morning that she began to sing a little song. A bird tried to sing along with her but her voice was so high that the bird exploded.

"Oops." She said looking at the bird's remains. 

She then looked inside of it's nest to see three eggs. She went back to where the cave was, started a fire, and cooked the eggs. The smell woke up Sly and Ratchet. 

"Good morning. How do you like your eggs?" She asked cheerfully.

"Over easy if you don't mind." Ratchet said. 

"What's all this for?" Sly asked suspiciously. "You're not trying to poison me and Ratchet are you? Of course if it was just Ratchet I don't blame you."

"Hey!"

"No. I feel bad for how I treated you yesterday so I decided to make amends by making breakfast and I also gathered up some berries to eat on the trip." 

"Uh...Thanks." Sly said in confusion. 

"Well eat up boys. We have a big day ahead of us." 

After they ate they set off into the woods. A couple minutes later, Sly let out a burp. 

"Ewww! That's gross!" Ratchet gagged. 

"Better out than in if you ask me." Sly shrugged. 

"But that's no way to behave in front of a princess." 

Carmelita then took them completely by surprise by letting out a burp herself. 

"Oh! Excuse me." She giggled.

"She's as nasty as you are kid." Ratchet said.

"Uh...I thought princesses weren't supposed to burp?" Sly asked her.

"We're not supposed to but I thought you wouldn't mind if I just let a small one out." Carmelita said. "After all you burped out loud." 

"Yes but I... Nevermind you know you're not what I expected."

"Well maybe you shouldn't judge people someone before you get to know them."

Sly was at a loss of words after hearing her say that. He wondered if she had overheard the conversation he had with Ratchet last night. But just before he could ponder on the subject something came swinging from a tree and grabbed Carmelita. 

"Princess!" He gasped.

"Wha...What are you doing?!" Carmelita said when they landed on a tree.

"Be still Mon Cherie." The man said. "For I am your savior and I'm rescuing you from this..." He said kissing up her arm. "Beast."

"Back off creep!" She snapped and she quickly tore her arm away in disgust.

"Hey!" Sly called angrily. "That's my princess! Go find your own!"

"Please monster!" He said. "Can't you see I'm a little busy here?"

"Look pal!" Carmelita said irritated. "I don't know who you think you are!"

"Of course how rude of me. I am Ace Hardlight and these gentlemen..." He whistled and a group of men leapt out from the bushes. "Are my merry men." 

They pointed their weapons at Sly and Ratchet. They lifted their paws up. Ace then jumped down and pulled a dagger on then. 

"Now prepare to die monster." Ace said.

"Technically I'm a raccoon." Sly said. 

"Whatever, you are a threat and you must be slayed so now I shall strike!" 

But out of nowhere Carmelita jumped down and kicked him right in his face knocking him out.

"Oh you little!" One of his merry men said.

He fired an arrow at her but Carmelita dodged it and punched him in the face until he lost consciousness. Two more tried to grab her but she just drop kicked them in their jaws and took out the last one with one single punch. Sly and Ratchet were beside themselves with shock. Were they looking at the same woman? 

"Shall we?" She asked smiling.

"Hold the phone. What was that?" Sly asked.

"What?"

"That! What you just did back there! How did you do that?"

"Well when you live by yourself for most of your life you need to be prepared in case there's- there's an arrow your butt!"

"What?" He turned to see an arrow wedged into his bottom. "Whoa! How did I not feel that?" 

"Oh my goodness! I'm so sorry! Are you alright? Does it hurt?"

"A little." 

"What happened?" Ratchet asked. 

"Sly is hurt." Carmelita said.

"Oh no! Is he going to die?" 

"No I'm not going to die." Sly said. 

"Are you sure? Because you look very pale." 

"Ratchet calm down." Carmelita said. "Run into the woods and find me a blue flower with red throns."

"How will that help?" 

"I'll explain later. Now go." 

"Okay I'm on it."

He then ran off to search for the flower. 

"What's the flower for?" Sly asked.

"For getting rid of Ratchet." 

"Ah." 

"Now you hold still and I'll yank this out." She pulled on the arrow.

"Ow! Hey! Easy with the yanking!"

"Well I'm sorry but it has to come out."

"No it's tender!"

"Don't move!"

"Time out!"

"Would you- okay what do you think we should do?"

Ratchet found a bush of the flowers Carmelita had requested unfortunately he had no sense of color coordination.

"Blue flower red thorns, blue flower red thorns, this would be so much easier if I wasn't color blind." Ratchet said.

"Ow!"

"Hold on Sly! I'm coming!"

Sly was on his stomach while Carmelita was trying to ease the arrow out of his lower area. 

"Ow! Not good!" He said.

"Okay I almost have it."

"Ouch this hurts!" 

"Oh stop being such a baby!" 

"You know you could be more gentle." 

"I'm trying but you're not making this easy. Hold still will you?" 

"Ow!" He shouted turning over knocking Carmelita on top of him.

"Oh!" She gasped landing on his chest.

They both went red in the face as their eyes locked. 

"Ahem!" Ratchet said.

"Nothing happened!" Sly said shoving her off.

"If you two just wanted to be alone you just had to ask." He said.

"Oh no! No! No! That's the last thing on my mind." Sly said. Carmelita scoffed at his comment but then noticed the he was distracted at the moment. "The princess here was just- Ugggh!"

She had yanked it the arrow out of his bottom.

"Owwww..." He groaned softly.

"Hey is that blood on that arrow?" Ratchet asked.

"I don't know. Why?" Carmelita said. 

"Oh no reason it's just that blood makes me a little dizzy. Heh, heh, heh."

Then he fainted. 

"Oh my." Carmelita said. "Is he alright?" 

"Yeah I'm sure he'll come to after about five minutes." Sly assured her. He then lifted the unconscious Ratchet on to his shoulder. "Well we better get going." 

 


End file.
